Detailed Instructions on Snowman Disguising.

Have you ever hidden inside a snowman? Have you ever taken the time to plant yourself right in the middle of a large ball of snow rolled from the layers of flakes spread across your lawn? You cannot easily manage this if you are wearing heavy layers of jackets and snow pants.

Wool scarves will be your downfall if you desire to hide inside a snowman.

No, you must first strip naked. You must remove all those abrasive textiles that catch and stick to the snow. Then, you must cover yourself in oil. Cooking oil will do. I haven’t had cooking oil freeze to my skin yet.

Once naked and oiled, you need to find a stick or maybe a good sized stone to burrow out a little hole at the top of your biggest rolled snowball. This is your entry point to the inside of the snowman.

But wait, I am getting ahead of myself. Don’t try to enter the first snowball until you have the second torso-ball rolled and also a good-sized head snowball ready and waiting nearby. It’s hard to prepare these after your initial snowball entry.

Okay, you are nude, oiled up, and have all three of your Snowman’s parts rolled and ready for assembly. You have dug out your entry hole to the base, and are ready to jump in. Now, you can enter in one of two ways. The first is to carefully climb up onto the big snowball base, bend your knees, spring upwards and then point your toes to the earth. Think of doing a “Toothpick” dive into a swimming pool. Think of trying to make as small a splash as possible. With some luck, you will get good depth on entry to your snowball. With just a small amount of wiggling, you can work your way fully into the snowball base. The second entry approach involves you rubbing your feet together, quickly, for about ninety seconds. This will generate enough heat friction on your feet to just melt a path all the way to the bottom of the snowball.

The difficult part is now over. To finish your snowman disguise, just bend over and pick up your torso snowball and slam it over your head. Since this snowball is a bit smaller than the base snowball, it should fit snuggly over your torso. You don’t want to pre-drill a hole in this piece, because if it fits too loosely, your snowman may rattle and you will be discovered. Just take the torso ball and mash it down onto your body. You can pop your arms out the sides… we won’t worry about them just yet.

With the snowman head, just do the same thing: pick up the snowball and just pop it right over your head. Make sure you’ve removed any hat you might be wearing, because that can ruin the whole thing, and you will have to climb out of your snowman and rebuild from scratch. Do not worry about your vision being blocked by snow. Snow is a natural sound amplifier, and you will be able to function using just your ears. It’s very similar to how bats use sonar, but not really.

Ah, what to do with your arms now? You thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you. Well, now that you are fully immersed inside your snowman, nobody will suspect your oiled and glistening arms will be REAL arms! You can just leave your arms limp and at your side if you like, or if you want to really get into character, you can stick your fingers out at odd angles. Don’t be alarmed if a bird or squirrel climbs on you or your arms, because they will be as oblivious to your hiding place as anyone else.

With luck, and a little practice, you and all your friends can spend the winter hiding inside snowmen.

Ah, pardon my arrogance: Snowwomen too!