The Most Dangerous

Soo, I overheard a conversation on what would be the most dangerous creature to come across.

"Bears," she said.

"Sharks. Definitely sharks," he said.

"Bears will knock your head off and rip your limbs from your body, Sweetie."

"Sharks will bite you in half and rip you to shreds, My Love."

"A bear will come at you out of nowhere and maul you where you stand, Idiot."

"A shark is a silent killer, and will devour you and your family before your comprehension even sets in, Fuckwad."

...

They were both only half correct.

Oh Julia

At summer camp back in 1981, she called me a nerd. She teased me in front of her friends about the size of my parts. I had lived a sheltered life up until that camp experience, and she introduced me to the concepts of ridicule and shame.

The year after, I introduced her to the concepts of chemistry and fear.

God spelled backwards is....

So, God created dogs, right? He clapped his hands together and a turbulent air parted the clouds and lightning struck forth and begat Canines.

And Eve took a bite of the apple and ignored Adam, and Adam was a brat to Eve and got the "talk-to-the-hand" routine, and then Eve went skiing in the alps and Adam was pissed off and sad and came across a puppy and his heart was mended. A little bit, at least.

And then Karl Marx sailed upon Adam's shore along with a Chinaman named Confucius and Confucius said "It is easier to clean poop off the carpet than clean matters of the heart."

And that adage lives on to this day.

I have kids!!!

Two puppies were abandoned at our office last night, and I've adopted them! I'm very excited about the prospect of having some companions to take care of and keep me company.

They are both boys, and I've named them Malcolm and Jayne. Jayne's not a girls name!

PS: I now have a dog and a banjo, so I can play banjo for my dogs!

It makes purrfect sense.

You can go fairly far with a new kitten heart,
Its fluffy young paws pushing platelets and stuff.
But don’t expect love to come crashing in droves
And don’t think your mom will still want the same hugs.

The truth is the fur and the whiskers and tail
Will only sustain so much life as it takes
To let you run miles or swim laps all your days
And let you see clearly your old heart’s mistakes.

Hybrid

Electricity
Mixed with some gasoline for
Cleaner emissions.

Some corn on the cob
Cross bred with many flowers
To withstand the cold.

My sister's baby
Born with blonde hair and grey skin
And black bulbous eyes.

Lunch today

Today for lunch I drove down to the little Subway shop in town. I didn't know what type of sandwich I was craving, but I had time to think as the woman in front of me was being very precise on how she wanted her sandwich constructed. She was being very precise, and very rude.

There is no reason you need to snap at the young lady making your sandwich because you told her you wanted pickles, when in your head you meant cucumbers. The young Subway lady is not psychic.

Anyway, the rude woman said she wanted ranch on her sandwich, and when the young Subway lady started putting ranch on the sandwich the rude woman said "NO NO THE ORANGE SAUCE! MAKE ME A NEW SANDWICH, THIS ONE IS RUINED!" The young Subway lady looked like she was kicked in the nuts, if that were possible.

Finally, the rude woman had her sandwich contstructed to her acceptable standard, and it was my turn to order my sandwich. I didn't want to give the young Subway lady any grief, so when she asked me what I wanted I told her "Um, will you make me a footlong sandwich of whatever the heck you want to make? I don't care what it is, as long as you have fun making it."

She looked at me dead on for a few seconds, and then said "Sure, I can do that." And then she made me a sandwich with lots of weird things on it that I would have never ordered for myself. It was about as off my usual sandwich as you could make. When it was done, she asked if I wanted the chips-and-a-drink combo, and I said Yes Please but asked for the two-cookie substitute for the chips.

She gave me an extra cookie, and smiled.

There is a moral to this story, but all you friends who read this blog already know how to properly treat people, so....

All things must end!

I died and went to heaven. I floated up through glowing, glittering, silver clouds to arrive at a small bamboo platform. There was a simple bamboo seat waiting for me, and I sat in it.

Across the way there was a sign. It read "And the dogs have eyes."

At least, I thought that's what it said. My eyes were hurting, maybe due to the new altitude. They were burning a little. I rubbed them, and read the sign again.

"And the gods have bees."

What the hell? I stood up, and immediately felt dizzy. My stomach tightened, and I wretched dry nothing into the clouds. I reeled, fell, and hit my head against the side of the bamboo chair.

Hugging my legs and rocking, I cried and cried.

Valentine's Day!

Race! Mitch connects pedal with foot and he is off! His car zips out of the office parking lot, onto the expressway, heading for the little flower shop before it is too late.

He catches the store owner closing up, and by flashing some cash and showing genuine excitement the store owner lets Mitch in to purchase a big box of chocolates and a single red rose. The chocolates are housed in a big red heart-shaped box. The rose has a cheap plastic wrapper around it. Mitch pays the store owner a fifty and tells him to keep the change.

Race! Back on the expressway, heading downtown, Mitch cranks his heater to full blast. The February air has been especially chilly this week, but cannot match the climate controlled interior. Steering with his left hand, Mitch uses his right to open the box of chocolates and place it on the edge of his passenger seat. His right hand angles the air vents to blow on the box.

"Liar, liar", thinks Mitch's brain.

"Liar, liar", whispers Mitch's lips.

The car is accelerating. The speed limit is 55 mph; Mitch is now driving 60. His left hand steers, his right hand fumbles the plastic away from the rose. The plastic catches on a thorn, but only for a moment. "I can't wait to kiss you", thinks Mitch's brain. He carefully puts the rose in his mouth and holds it with his teeth. He reaches over to the heart-shaped box and removes a candy with his thumb and pointer finger. Mitch squeezes the chocolate and feels an inner goo run down his hand. Nice!

Foot to pedal, pressure increasing: Mitch can't drive fifty-five. He feels the rose stem with his tongue, feels the alternating smooth and rough patches of its stem, feels the rising bump of the thorns. "Liar, liar, pants on fire", thinks Mitch's brain.

"Panch on firrr", mumbles Mitch's teeth.

"Tree", thinks Mitch. "No, telephone poll." Calf muscle tensing, pressure increasing: Mitch's car hums a lullaby. The expressway lights go by by by. Mitch slides his tongue across the rose stem until his tongue catches a thorn. His eyes dilate, and he presses his tongue harder against the point. "I'm going to kiss SOMEthing tonight", says Mitch's brain.

His left hand steers, his right hand unzips the front of his tan cargo pants. Eyes on the road, tongue on the thorn, Mitch exposes himself to his warm car's interior. Foot to pedal, Mitch tops 80. With his right hand, Mitch scoops up the box of chocolates and holds them to his nose. They smell pretty good. He smiles, swallows a small amount of stem and blood flavored saliva, and thrusts the box of chocolates face down into his crotch. He presses the warm, melting morsels into his loins. "I'm going to fuck SOMEthing tonight", says Mitch's brain.

"Hmmm", hums Mitch and his car, in perfect harmony.

"A telephone poll", thinks Mitch. "No! A gas station!"

And there it is, shining in front of him: a glorious tower of fuel storage! Pedal touches floor, and Mitch is racing out of control. "Liar, liar!", shouts Mitch's brain.

"Heart on fi..."!

It was too cute....

Here's a picture of a little mouse I saw this morning. I took it using my TX-94 Alpha ASCII Cam.

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Where have you gone , Sarah Michelle Geller?

I see trends and I
See progress and
I see signs
That hint
Doom.

Sometimes doing the
Best you can do
Is just not
The very
Best.

Being the "nice guy"
Has it's moments,
But they total
To like
Six.

Now
I have
Grown sleepy
And my subject
Was not even touched.