I awaken at my desk from what appears to be a year-long coma. My eyes adjust sluggishly to the pulsing florescent lights of my office and on my computer screen I see hundreds of pop-up system messages telling me I need to Update Programs Download Security Files Resister Software Restart Computer? Click Here to Enlarge Manhood.
My face is sticky and slathered in drool, and a foot of facial hair is matted around my chin. I hope to myself that none of the office ladies have taken a picture of me in this state. I reach up to scratch my head and notice two-inch curved fingernails protruding from my digits. Gross. I look under my desk and see that the toes protruding from my sandals have also sprouted talons. Good thing I wasn't wearing shoes, because I'd be embedded in them now.
All around my desk are stacks of paperwork, data sheets, multi-colored sticky notes with phone numbers of reps who I'm supposed to call back. How could I have slept this long? Why didn't anyone wake me?
The secretary jaunts past my office and, upon seeing me alert and upright, pauses long enough to say "Can you change the air filters before you leave today Thanks!" I can't remember her name, but I think I remember it sounding like Petunia, or Old Glory, or Stitch. My head spins and I reach to rub my forehead and almost accidentally gouge out my eyeballs. Youza.
My joints explode and bones creak as I retrain my body to stand upright. I'm going to need some coffee in me before I start to call back these sales reps.
No comments:
Post a Comment